The Daily Maul reports that a lifelong friend of Chris Huhne appeared in court in his stead, earlier this month, and is now serving the sentence intended for Huhne. Huhne is now believed to be have been hiding in the dusty and deserted House of Commons library, disguised as a 1935 copy of Hansard (leather-bound edition), sustained with smoked salmon sandwiches and Bollinger La Grande Année Brut Rose 2004 champagne obtained from one of the busy House of Commons bars by sympathetic friends.
One of these friends, who would identify himself only as "Nick", contacted the Daily Maul yesterday to arrange a secret meeting in Trafalgar Square. Reporter Stan "Hacker" Harris attended alone, wearing a "Jim'll Fix It" tracksuit and carrying a copy of the Radio Times to identify himself. "Nick" told Stan that "Chris is now in a secret location north of Watford, and will have to rough it until we can get him on the Border Agency computer as an illegal immigrant, using a false name. Unfortunately, on their present record, the BA are unlikely to text him until 2019 at the earliest, if they get his mobile number right, and perhaps never".
Another friend, who calls himself "Dave", bemoaned the fact that even if the BA actually did text Huhne with extradition instructions, they might raid the wrong address and extradite someone else. "In 2009 they extradited a 92-year-old vicar from Ashby-de-la-Zouche, citing in evidence a 1963 picture of him as Captain Hook in an amateur production of Peter Pan, which they identified as a recent picture of Abu Hamza", he said. "They only returned him to the UK when the real Abu Hamza appeared in court".
"Nick" told our reporter that they'd thought the Cavalry and Guards Club was the safest place to hide Huhne. "But when we put a Guards tie on him he looked like a boy scout. He didn't have the build, nor the demeanour, his accent was crap, and he has no aristocratic sneer". "Dave" said "I thought the House of Commons cellar was the next best, but we found it stacked full of plastic barrels of what looked like black powder. We were surprised by a uniformed HoC janitor, who explained it was cleaning powder for the floor of the Chamber". "Nick" broke in "He looked a bit like Martin McGuinness, but with a moustache and beard, and he told us in a thick Northern Ireland accent he'd report us if we stayed there, so we had to try the library". "Dave" continued "We had a lot of trouble getting the library door open - the handle was stuck, and we found the floor covered with unopened final electricity bill demands".
Stan was allowed to talk to Huhne by 'phone for a few minutes, though Huhne said very little, just that he'd "always told the truth, cross his heart". Stan then waited the agreed 20 minutes after Huhne's two friends left, before 'phoning the police. "The officer told me that Chris Huhne was banged up in Pentonville, and to stop making nuisance calls. When I told him I'd just spoken to Huhne on the 'phone there was a click and I was cut off. I called back and spoke to another officer who said that Huhne couldn't be tried twice for the same crime. I pointed out that Huhne hadn't been tried - it was someone else. He laughed, and said that as long as someone was convicted and banged up, it didn't matter who it was". Stan took some surreptitious photos while he was talking to Huhne on his mobile 'phone. Later a number of MPs were asked if they recognised "Nick" or "Dave" from the photos, but none could.