London - (Associated Mess): As a massive rain-bearing anti-cyclone approaches the United Kingdom in time for the traditional depressive August Bank Holiday downpour, television executives at Channel Four are preparing to take advantage of the near-comatose viewing public by buring the existing House of Mountbatten at three royal residences on a live and interactive reality TV programme, the Big Royal Dig.
All this week ground preparations have been taking place at Hollyrood House, Windsor Castle and Buckingham Palace involving a fleet of Royal Parks Agency turbo-powered bulldozers which are under the direction of a team of Druid dowsers renowned for geomantic expertise that was used so successfully in the siting of the Diana, Princess of Wales Memorial Fountain in Hyde Park.
Their first task involves the exhumation of members of the House of Windsor who died in the September 1940 Luftwaffe bombing of Buckingham Palace.
These are believed to have been buried near some chestnut trees in the grounds of Buckingham Palace along with classified state documents attesting to the events of 1940 and politicians' reasons for subsequent actions.
The remains of King George VI, Queen Elizabeth and their eldest daughter Princess Elizabeth will then be taken to the family mausoleum at Frogmore Park, Windsor for re-burial in the ancestral vaults.
The next stage is expected to concentrate on the exhumation of the four House of Mountbatten offspring born to the Queen Elizabeth II lookalike, Barbara Freeman, who was installed into public life by the Tory/Labour wartime coalition as 'Princess Elizabeth' in a manic knee-jerk reaction designed to keep secret the dire 1940 tragedy that wiped out the monarch, his spouse and eldest heir to the throne.
The four offspring - Charles, Anne, Andrew and Edward - were all subsequently exterminated by IRA hit-squads acting under the orders of George Bush Senior, aka the notorious Cuban mafioso gangster and lifetime KGB agent Frank Gelli, eldest son of the doppelganger lookalike installed as 'the Queen Mother' after the 1940 tragedy.
The bodies of these four royal pretenders will then be sent to the Ministry of Defence's National Poisons Unit for DNA testing before cremation at Slough crematorium, after which their ashes will be sent to the Kremlin for internment at the tomb of Joseph Stalin - their mother's maternal uncle.
Other, living Mountbatten doppelganger lookalikes including Prince Philip will then be exhumed and dealt with in a similar manner, before the incumbent royal impersonators are given their own Sharia-compliant internment in the three televised sites in the UK.
The weekend-long televised exhumation and internment marathon, billed as the Big Royal Dig, is to be hosted by Tony Robinson, pictured here -
a well known British television actor best remembered for his Black Adder comedy supporting role of Baldrick, the idiot side-kick of the malevolent by cuddly anti-hero played by Rowan Atkinson.
The programme is to be sponsored by Gardeners World magazine in conjunction with Rentokil vermin extermination division and viewers will be able to phone a premium-rate phone line to vote for their favorite House of Mountbatten impostor to be included in the UK's Hall of Infamy currently headed by Jack the Ripper and Bloody Mary in joint first place.
Nominations have already opened and bookmakers have made the Queen Mother impostor, Violet Ribbentrop, 6/4ON favorite.