Written by CaptainSausage

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Saturday, 9 February 2013

image for Traces of jockeys found in horse burgers
My horse! My horse! A burger for my horse.

The Food Standard Agency have revealed that traces of jockey DNA have been found in Supermarket Value Horse Burgers, to the shock of meat industry experts and consumers alike. Food tester Fatima Eton found the DNA, and claimed that it could not easily have entered the food chain. She said, "In order to get into the burgers, it must have passed over a number of hurdles."

The jockey meat has been traced to a horse farm in Surrey close to Dorking. The owner of the farm, Orson Connor, raises racehorses, but sometimes sends lame horses for slaughter. He said that he had not done anything unusual and raised the animals in the way usually sanctioned by the UK goverment.

He thought that the jockey meat may have come from some food which one of the horses had eaten, and not from the abattoir where he sends them for slaughter. Mr Connor feeds his horses exclusively on Supermarket Value Horse Burgers, saying "oh, they love a bit of burger."

Staff at the Meat Your Maker abattoir in Dorking have said they remember a jockey riding a horse into their premises to be slaughtered. It is thought that the jockey may have been unable to dismount before the giant rotating blades fell upon him, however, abattoir owner Hugh Cattle has denied the allegations.

He invited visiting journalists to inspect the facilities at the modern mechanical abattoir, where robot knives can reduce an animals to chops in seconds.

Only one of the twenty journalists was accidentally slaughtered during the visit, which is within the acceptable legal limit for abattoir inspections.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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