Written by ANGELA WRIGHT
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Tuesday, 5 February 2013

image for Queen's outrageous behaviour threatens monarchy
HRH on best behaviour

Highly sensitive information has emerged this week about an alleged 'altercation' between Dame Judi Dench and the Queen.'Serious concerns' about the Monarch's behaviour have been expressed by Prime Minister Dave (JammieDodger) Cameroon. Circumstances around the alleged incident will be thoroughly examined and discussed at today's Cabinet Meeting.

Following her sensational skydive spoofery at the 2012 Olympics Opening Ceremony, there has been a marked deterioration in the Queen's attitude toward her regal duties according to Buck House low-life informers. HRH has frequently been observed 'swaggering' through the State Rooms wearing dark glasses and a mackintosh. She constantly refers to staff as 'sweetheart' and refuses to acknowledge her own royal status.

Those closest to the Monarch believe that she has become fixated on the Bond concept. A boxed DVD set of the 007 films has recently been delivered to her private rooms and on a number of occasions she has been heard shouting: "Get Bond on the phone NOW!"

This obsession reared its ugly head most sensationally during the filming of 'Skyfall' last year. The entire crew watched the unfolding drama as the Queen strode on to the set and marched over to Dame Judi Dench, who was on a break and eating a double cheeseburger. Ronan O'Delerius, cameraman, takes up the story:

"HRH looked mad. She made a beeline for Dench and you could tell things were going to kick off. Dame Judi blows a gasket if her tea's the wrong colour, so to be honest we couldn't wait to see the fallout from this one. Judi stood up as HRH approached her. She didn't stand a chance. HRH took a bloody great swing with her handbag and clocked Judi on the side of her head. At the same time, she yelled: 'You short-arsed slag think you're M do you? I'm taking over love, so get your coat and piss off.' On my life these were her exact words. But Dame Judi didn't piss off. She lurched at HRH, and next thing they were both on the floor scrapping like a couple of prop forwards. Eventually two of the crew managed to separate them. The studio boss led HRH away with some difficulty. She was still raging, and turned round to yell at Judi: 'This isn't over you tart.' Dench was all for having another go but crew restrained her. In thirty years of filming, I have to say, this was the best action ever!"

Prince Charles, speaking on behalf of the Royal family, told press yesterday that the Queen was 'resting' after her uncharacteristic outburst. Her doctors are eager to begin a full medical assessment.

Daniel Craig was unavailable for comment.

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