Buckingham Palace, London - (AssoCIAted Mess & ReUterus): Police officers investigating the abortive attempt of the mass murder of thousands of US-bound airline passengers are believed to have stumbled upon startling new evidence leading directly to a cynical satanic cult's patron saint who has been the inspiration for countless suicide attacks across the globe during the last decade.
The startling revelations have been sourced to a money-laundering paper trail emanating from newly discovered pre-nuptual agreement documents signed by Lady Diana Spencer and the Pretender to the Throne of Great Britain on the eve of their fateful conjunction at Westminster Abbey in July 1981.
The marriage-broking evidence reveals video-taped lawyers' meetings at Buckingham Palace showing Ladi Di admitting to having been recruited and paid by the Ancient American Order of the Skull 'N' Bones to take on the ID and persona of the eldest child of Earl Spencer and identifying herself under police caution as the daughter of George Bush Senior and Marcia Williams - Lady Falkender - former private secretary to KGB mole and UK Labour Prime Monster Harold Wilson.
The video-taped pre-nup features Charles Windsor confessing, also under police caution, to being the son of Lady Raine Spencer - Earl Spencer's second wife and alleged daughter of romantic trash writer Barbara Cartland - and Ronnie Raygun's former bagman Armand Hammer.
Charles' Riggs Bank-financed marriage to Diana is described by his legal team as the brainchild of the UK Hellfire Club, of which he has been lifelong senior patron and brokered by KGB double-agents who had successfully infiltrated both the CIA and MI6 during the late 1970s.
The startling discovery has shed new light on the Di and Dodi suicide pact conspiracy theories peddled by British newspapers including the Daily Fascist and the Fascist on Sunday.
Now, in a macbre new twist, terror cops have admitted alarm at finding the video of the pre-nup embedded in encrypted files belonging to several of the terror suspects being questioned about last week's foiled attempts at blowing up some dozen US-bound aircraft departing British airports.
Cold War espionage experts have been quick to point out that these latest developments shed a new light on previously well-backed evidence linking descendants of the Nazis and assorted European fascists to the IRA.
In their view, late 20th century terror cults such as 'Al'Qaeda' appear to be no more than mercenary Asian recruits of former KGB operatives made reduntant after Vladimir Sputum slimed his way into the top Kremlin job in 2000 and refused to keep them on the payroll any longer.
Meanwhile, at the Diana, Princess of Wales Memorial Fountain in London's Hype Park, inspectors from the UK's National Poisons Unit have concluded tests of the water feature's allegedly healing properties and confirmed that chemical analysis has shown that the fountain's liquids are all on the banned list introduced by UK and US airports for travel abroad.
General Pinochet is 91.