Written by Crunk
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Tuesday, 29 January 2013

image for The nation honours Paul for the lovely weekend
Paul is banned from wearing his mankini on public holidays

In a shock announcement today, a previously unknown scientist is a surprise late addition to the New Year's Honours list, receiving an OBE for services to the nation.

Paul Montgomery, 31, from Pewsey, revealed he had fitted snow tyres to his car on Friday for the first time. The Met Office have confirmed that this is the reason for the glorious weather across much of England, during Saturday and Sunday.

A Met Office spokesman enthused "It has worked like a charm. Birds are singing and building their nests, and Colin the tortoise has been reported headbutting the shed door in Lymington. Long queues are forming outside garden centres and DIY enthusiasts are making persistent whining noises through party walls up and down the country."

The RAC have applauded Paul's timely intervention, even though it didn't come fast enough for motorists stranded on the M6 on Friday. Many were reduced to making anatomically correct snowmen on the hard shoulder, signalling their distress to the traffic management cameras.

Paul, an individual previously 'known' to the Health and Safety Executive, attributed his uncommon foresight to the roads around Amesbury and Porton being 'a bit shit'.

The Met Office are planning to employ Paul's rare skills to assist the British public with event planning. "We don't want to exert any pressure that might rob Paul of this wonderful and fragile talent. So we simply intend to ask him what he thinks he is going wear a day or so ahead. We might issue an amber alert whenever he plans to mow the lawn. That sort of thing".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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