Written by Joe Leff
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Monday, 28 January 2013

A pet tortoise disappeared from a house in Hooselow but was discovered after five minutes scooting back through the side entrance.

This could well be a world record for the return of a pet tortoise. Most tortoises disappear for weeks at a time, and sometimes for several years.

Pet shop owner Alwyn Allott, of Tortoises'R'Us, reckons that the rapid-return tortoise must have been to obedience training sessions. "And he may also have an aero-dynamically shaped shell."

Mr and Mrs Slokoche, who own the tortoise, said that "Speedy Gonzalez is a bit shy but not very good at hiding. However, he's also very intelligent. He often nips back if he's forgotten something. His paws used to get sore, so we bought him some trainers. Our tortoise has certainly taught us a thing or two."

Health & Safety officers are concerned about the possible dangers of fast-moving tortoises, and have recommended placing speed bumps on entry paths to houses. "To save money, we might even use dead tortoises as speed bumps," they added. "They're just the right shape and size."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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