Written by Joe Leff
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Sunday, 27 January 2013

Every nursery worker must have good housekeeping skills, with special attention given to carpets and mats. They should also be better at brushing away excessive bureaucracy.

In return, nurseries will be allowed to nearly double the number of toddlers they care for under plans aimed at cutting cots.

Old-style cots are now considered too big, and once they are cut down to a smaller size, there should be more space for more toddlers to run around on the floor.

Under new rules, nurseries will be able to admit 17 two-year-olds to every three-and-a-half qualified child care workers over the age of 22. The ratios for babies younger than 12 months and weighing less than nine-and-a-half kg will also be more complicated, especially at weekends.

Child care workers will be paid according to the number, ages and sizes of toddlers, the area of floor space in the nursery, the frequency of clearing up sick, and the percentage of nursery toys still in good shape.

"So nursery staff must brush up on their maths as well," said Todd Lersarus, Minister for Nursery Education.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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