The ghost of Margaret Thatcher has again been reported seen at 10, Downing Street, this time by Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg. A terrified Mr Clegg, who managed to escape into the street through a ground floor office window after being confronted by the ghost just after three o'clock this morning is even thought to have messed his trousers, unheard of since the same thing happened to Sir Winston Churchill during WW2 when he was forced to make a speedy exit from the capital after receiving late intelligence reports identifying London as the intended target of the German Luftwaffe that night, not Coventry as had earlier been indicated.
The ghostly sighting this morning occurred in the Prime Minister's private ground floor office facing onto Downing Street. Mr Clegg is thought to have been working alone there into the night checking through and making important corrections to government papers prepared earlier by the Prime Minister.
'It happened just as I was checking through the last file of Dave's papers,' explained Nick today from the safety of his Sheffield home.
'All of a sudden I saw this ghostly figure of Margaret Thatcher come floating through the wall. I've never seen anything more horrible.' said a still visibly shaking Nick Clegg. 'Especially the eyes. They were piercing and evil, more evil even than the eyes of Tony Blair.'
Taking a moment to sip some brandy laced coffee prepared for him by his wife Miriam he continued,
'Miriam's insisted I sip this for medicinal purposes, to calm my nerves, but I assure you it isn't something I make a habit of. I was stone cold sober when I saw that evil permed ghost this morning.'
'It's not as bad as it looks,' assured Miriam pointing to the large graze on her husband's forehead.
'That was from the handbag,' he said. 'She was swinging it around knocking government papers onto the floor then turned the whole desk over. When that ghostly old bag struck my head it felt like an iron fist. Luckily I managed to duck the filing cabinet. And, and, and, and its breath, its breath had the smell of cheese. Next time I won't run, Miriam, I won't.'
'It's the brandy,' said Miriam, 'it's making 'im feel brave now.'
'How do they do that, send their voice into one's mind?' he asked her.
'How the fuck am I s'posed to know,' was her response, 'maybe it's some kind of telepeefee or sumfink.'
'I wish you hadn't been taught English from a cockney... The ghostly voice I heard kept saying 'Rejoice! Rejoice! Rejoice' over and over again in my head. It was so high pitched, like when you run a finger around the rim of a glass, a combination of that and when chalk squeaks against a blackboard.' Miriam is shocked.
'You gotta call it a chalkboard nahdays, 'member what that German woman Merkel told David,' Miriam reminds her husband.
'There ought to be EU laws against it,' he explodes, thumping his cup down onto the saucer and causing Miriam to cry.
'I'm sorry darling, I just can't help it,' he tells her.
'Derek will make it all better, just you wait and see,' Miriam then assured him between tears, finishing off her sentence with a loud Spanish sniff.
Meanwhile David Cameron has been in contact with Britain's top spirit medium and part-time exorcist Derek Acorah today begging him to evict the ex- Prime Minister from his home. Mr Acorah has warned him he's fully booked up until Thursday week. Speaking from Bucklebury, Berkshire this afternoon where he is currently trying to exorcise the spectre of Lady Frances Winchcombe who has been terrifying the parents of the Duchess of Cambridge at their new 5m. pound home there Mr Acorah explained that it isn't as rare as many people think for the spirit of a still technically living person to leave their physical vehicle when sleeping and then to go wandering around places holding fond memories to them from this life.
'Something as simple as a cheese sandwich eaten just before an elderly person retires to their bed for the evening is all it takes,' explained Derek, 'because it can cause very vivid dreams. The spirit of the person then thinks it's their time to pass over and so slips out to take a last look around a few favourite places for the last time before being on their way. In this case the poltergeist behaviour suggests the entity was forced to leave the house against its will so probably saw Mr Clegg as the imposter. I'll pop along round there when I can to perform a little jig around my hat to scare the poltergeist off with the help of my spirit guide Sam. From what Sam tells me though, all it really needs is for the Prime Minister to ask Mrs Thatcher to stop eating cheese sandwiches for supper.'