George Osborne has announced the governments new method of assessing claimant's disability, known as the 'ducking-stool'. The contract, worth £134 trillion, is expected to be awarded to Cameron, Osbourne & Cronies Consultants.
"For far too long claimants have been 'ducking and diving' our present assessment methods" said George Osbourne, "turning up on crutches, in wheelchairs and even cutting off there own legs in order to appear disabled.Yes,we know all the tricks! This situation is simply not good enough, not sustainable. This 'ducking and diving' got our Tory Think-Tank thinking thoughts! Britain has a proud and long history of assessment. Several hundred years ago our forefathers devised a method of assessing whether a woman was a witch - as a progressive party we've learnt from that and incidently that is why we don't have many women in the cabinet".
At the launch party David Cameron applauded Osbourne's ingenuity, "You know George is very clever, like me. We had a great education at Eton and the History Curriculum there was very strong on the Nazis, the Spanish Inquisition, bigotry, mass murder, oppression, torture; stuff that is very relevant to our present careers within the Tory Party". At this point Cameron spread out his hands at waist height and took a deep breath,"look the country cannot afford to support those who pretend to be disabled; which is most, if not all, of them. Boris will demonstrate our final solution".
"Right I'am picking up this skiver...er, I mean alleged disabled person and putting them on this stool. Bloody heavy-too many pies. I press this lever and.... hey presto the stool drops the tosser into the water; what fun! In this case the water is the Thames by Tower Bridge; because I am Mayor of London". Johnson looks into the camera his unruly blond mop of hair blowing in the cold January wind, "This is the best bit - ha-ha! If the bastards are genuinely disabled they will sink to the bottom of the river. If they aren't they will float and we will arrest them for fraudulently claiming benefits; simples. Ha, did you like my meercat joke?".
A reporter who suggested that this method was unethical was told by Johnson to, "Piss-off you lefty-tosser".
A wheelchair tax is to be introduced retrospectively from 1945. George Osbourne explained, "It was after the war that all this skiving started; coming home with legs and arms missing was just careless, and real strivers would simply re-build their homes, not winge that they have been bombed. The new tax will re-claim illegally obtained benefits and if these people are now dead, their children or grand-children will be forced to pay. We expect to raise billions for Cameron, Osbourne and Cronies Consultants....oh, er, the taxpayer".