The Environment Minister, Richard Benyon has today announced emergency measures for the British Summer Holiday. "Every year we have the same crisis, summer. Now we will be prepared."
With immediate effect, town councils will be empowered to build new flood defences using existing funding, and the Thames Barrier will be left cranked up to its fullest height. The Minister stated that airports would receive maximum protection, with snow ploughs on standby to assist in clearing runways.
"We cannot allow anything to impede the emergency evacuation of our citizens this year". Provision is being made for refuge shelters for British holidaymakers in favoured destinations such as Magaluf, Faliraki and Benidorm. MPs and senior officials are said to be making their own arrangements in undisclosed destinations believed to be in Tuscany and the Carribean.
David Cameron has added his authority and shiny face to the proposals. "The safety of the Royal family is paramount, thus the next heir to the throne and the fragrant Duchess of Cambridge will be on their summer holidays at various destination throughout the coming year."
North of the Watford Border, town councils have voiced vehement opposition to the gritting lorries being requisitioned to protect the airports, particularly those in London. "How are we to guarantee access to local events such as school summer fetes?".
Manufacturers of wellies, pack-a-macs and umbrellas are up in arms, arguing that it cuts to the heart of all that is British about summertime. A British Tourist Board spokesman summed up the depth of feeling "We have heavily invested in advertising British themed holidays all over the UK. Tewkesbury Council are planning Rangerover waterski championships in June, while white-water rafting in Cornwall is expected to be exceptionally popular, particularly in August".
Yorkshire and Southern Water have already announced a hosepipe ban as a precaution, from the first of April.