Written by Joe Leff
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Thursday, 3 January 2013

A Gateshead man has been left devastated after losing his cosh.

Alf Umpyer, a notorious criminal, lost his cosh last Thursday night while on the prowl in the posh, upper-class district of the town.

He had put the cosh in his coat pocket whilst he was trying to open someone's front door. "There must have been a hole in the pocket of this coat I pinched from my mate," Mr Umpyer said. "I shan't pinch any clothes from him again."

The cosh is about 18 inches long, and black with a ribbed handgrip. It has the number 1076 engraved on it, and was formerly the property of the local police station, from where it was stolen two years ago.

"If I get it back," said Mr Umpyer, "I'm not going to take my cosh to do the posh again."

When news of this lost cosh becomes widespread and hits the media circus, the cosh could be worth a lot of money.

"If I get the cosh back, I might get some cash back," said Mr Umpyer, beginning to rub his hands together gleefully.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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