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Sunday, 30 December 2012

image for David Cameron Appeal to Bouncers Nationwide
"We Tory's also have something else in common with the Working Man - We is street!"

In a surprise move last night; Prime Minister David Cameron launched the Tory Party's new voter campaign 'Oy! Vote for us!' aimed specifically at the Nation's more than 25.000 club-bouncers. When asked about the reasoning for this highly specific target audience, Mr Cameron replied:

"At the next election we Tory's need to mobilise more than just the xenophobic segment of the over 60s and the upper-middle classes. The bouncers of this country have traditionally voted Labour due to their working class upbringing. In reality however, they have far more in common with Tory Party politics than they ever suspected! The charming elitism they display when turning aside young ruffians in sneakers from the establishments they guard is highly reminiscent of the Tory Party's long-held belief that no non-Etonians should sit in the House of Commons!"

When asked whether elitism and snobbery were the only interests shared between bouncers and the Tory Party, Mr Cameron carried on enthusiastically:

"God no! They also engage in sporadic racism and casual sexism. They really could not be a better fit for the policies that we Tory's believe should shape the United Kingdom in years to come."

The Prime Minister's initiative was welcomed by Gary Blenkinsopp of The Worker's Association of Tory Supporters (T.W.A.T.S.), a newly formed organisation dedicated to persuading working class Labour supporters that they have more opinions in common with the Conservative Party.

"Well it's like that with like a lot of people in'it?" Mr Blenkinsopp asked rhetorically. "A lot of the lads from the roughest Council Estates traditionally vote Labour cause of their upbring, right? But a lot of 'em condone animal cruelty for instance, just like the Tories! Dog-fighting, foxhunting - Potato, potato, right?"

Ed Miliband of the Labour Party declined to comment last night as he felt the whole thing was "rather silly".

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