Written by Herrdoktorfox
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Sunday, 30 December 2012

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Police Constable Dick Rasch searching for secondary employment.

According to the Mail On Sunday, that well known newspaper and emergency asswipe sheet, more than 23,000 Police staff are moonlighting in second jobs!

This amounts to more than one in 10 officers in England and Wales now taking on extra work, including ice cream selling, undertaking, giving skiing lessons, holding seances and even pole dancing!

Our intrepid reporter Gladestone Ballsack was sent to investigate further and his findings make for uneasy reading, unless you are blind and using Arabic braille for the very first time.

Ballsacks first port of call was his local nick in Neasdon, London, whereupon he 'bumped' into an old, very well endowed female acquaintance by the name of WPC Amanda Lay.

Well known in the area as a reformed prostitute and ace sword swallower to the lads at Neasdon nick, Amanda had decided to join the force and earn a little 'extra' on the side without the hassles of continued arrests. "So much less stress darling, especially after a heavy night pounding the streets in all weathers she purred, plus the staff rest room is so cosy and warm for entertaining the lads and the extra money really comes in handy, why on a good night I can accomodate an entire shift and make over £400 with extras thrown in!"

Making his excuses Ballsack hastily put his notepad away and beat a hasty retreat to Wandsworth nick, arriving around 11pm he had to knock on the door to gain admission as the station regularly closes at 7pm each evening.

He was umprepared for what greeted him, a giant of a man with a very bushy moustache dressed as a dancer from Moulin Rouge, complete with heavy make-up and false eye lashes finished off with size 13 regulation Police boots. "'ello luv" said the 'officer' "come for the Can Can lessons have we" as Ballsack was lead into the staff canteen. Here he was greeted by a further half a dozen officers similarly dressed as Can Can girls, plus an assortment of local Wandsworth residents. "As it's yer first time sweetie it'll cost yer £10 for an hour's tuition and subsequent lessons are £30 an hour!

Within and hour of being dragged around the canteen floor and forcibly made to cock his leg and do the splits Ballsack was buggered beyond belief! Staggering from the staion around midnight he hastily hailed a cab and requested he be taken to an all night chemist in order to purchase some sorely (no pun intended) needed Ibuprofen 'Phorpain' Gel.

The following evening Ballsack, having acquired a rather graceful limp, headed off to North London and Wood Green Police Station as he had received a tip-off regarding a seance being held in a nearby disused charity shop. Sure enough, after being lead blindfold, by two burly off-duty detectives, he was left outside what seemed to be a boarded up shop. The odour of stale urine was strong to his nasal's and he swiftly popped another Fishermans Friend before knocking on the shop door.

"Are you there" he called, "yes" came the reply, "it's £30 quid a session and who do you wish to be in contact with?" Not wishing to offend Ballsack replied, "I'm not fussed really, but it would be nice to get that £50 back off my late Uncle Sid if possible".

"Enter now" boomed a deep voice as the seemingly locked door opened, Ballsack stumbled in and was greeted by virtual pitch blackness, save numerous eyes staring at him, some even side by side!
As he gradually got use to the gloom he could make out the shape of a Police Sergeant wearing full uniform and helmet sans trousers! "Show us yer money sunshine and I'll begin, Uncle Sid yer said, right?"

After parting with his cash the sergeant hastily pocketed same down his y-fronts before scratching his nethers and taking his helmet off. There was a mass shuffling of chairs as those present gathered around the upturned apple box and the sergeant began rotating his helmet around the table uttering total gibberish.
Within minutes there was a long drawn out moaning followed by a deafening breaking of wind, the smell of which would have done Hitler proud.

The aroma was far to much to for Ballsack and he could feel himself about to choke and chunder, again, making his excuses he hastily vacated the premises in order to seek fresh air.

Due to the graphic nature of his last port of call we consider it unworthy to offend any readers. Suffice to say, the sight of numerous young off-duty male Police Officers Pole Dancing in the nude at various retirement homes was just too much for Ballsack. He could not believe his eyes when witnessing elderly female residents giving up their respective pensions for a personal lapdance, especially his own gran! Thus, he is currently on long term sick leave having given us permission to print his report.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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