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Sunday, 30 December 2012

image for UK Employment Figures Cause Rift in Fabric of Universe

Emeritus Professor of Nonsensical Economics and Head of the International Monetary Fund, Brian Donahue addressed reporters yesterday from his secret lair on the slopes of an unidentified volcano in the South Pacific where Professor Donahue lives to avoid the constant emails, phone-calls, telegrams, smoke-signals and drum messages sent to him from various Southern European politicians.

The cause of the impromptu press conference was the newly opened rift in the very fabric of the universe, which appeared yesterday morning in the lunchroom of a Recruitment Agency in Hull, UK.

Asked why such a rift had developed in precisely this location, Professor Donahue responded:

"It appears that at the very moment the rift appeared, the last unemployed person in the UK found work as a recruitment agent. The entire country has therefore now been effectively turned into one gigantic recruitment agency, which means that everyone in the UK is now both a customer of, and an employee in, one of more than ten thousand recruitment agencies. Even the Prime Minister works part-time at a small agency located near Nottingham specializing in the recruitment mid-level caterers for children's parties, lunch-ladies for primary schools and naturally other recruitment agents."

When asked how the situation had become so dire, Professor Donahue scratched his trademark white longhaired cat before replying:

"It's simple really. With no actual jobs left in the UK, the job agencies started hiring their customers as recruitment agents in order to avoid insolvency. These new employees then in turn hired more customers as recruitment agents to maintain the business, while still searching for additional - less confusing - employment through other recruitment agencies and the whole thing sort of snowballed from there."

When reporters asked Professor Donahue with how the situation had actually altered the fabric of existence, he replied:

"Our job market made so little sense that the inherent logic, which has underlined the universe since its creation gave in and caused the rift to be created."

"This obviously means a number of new challenges for the financial sector." Professor Donahue continued while idly toying with a large red button on the side of his chair, "Initially, we have had to retrain a number of theoretical physicists from Oxford University to what we have termed "Quantum-Economists". This is unfortunate of course, as we have already had to retrain more than fifty South California cult-leaders as "Quack-Economists" in order to understand the Euro, and earlier this year we also had to hire a squadron of Eastern European mercenaries to act as "Hit-Economists" in order to tackle the Greek Economic Crisis."

When asked how the rift in the universe could be employed to aid the world's ailing economy, Professor Donahue replied:

"We actually have some good news on that front. It seems the rift leads to a parallel dimension where Planet Earth was never created. This means that it opens directly out to the cold, empty vacuum of space. As a result, we plan to use the rift as a dumping ground for Silvio Berlusconi to prevent him re-entering politics. It may also be useful as a storage cupboard for Angela Merkel, who needs to be maintained at sub-zero temperatures at all times or risk developing a fatal sense of humor."

The press conference was cut short when Professor Donahue left for Washington where the rapid growth of the American National Debt has caused Pennsylvania Avenue to tumble off the Fiscal Cliff, leaving a gaping crater in the Earth's crust.

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