Written by Joe Leff
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Friday, 28 December 2012

Three-quarters of Britain's families are bracing themselves for a rush of New Year greeting cards with loads of pathetically up-lifting poems and massively predictable rhymes.

In Scotland there will be more verse - and sometimes the verse is worse than the weather. Jock McLock is typical of the many Glaswegians who are already knee-deep in vapid verse: "We can't be doing with all this muck. All we want is a real good duck."

As households in the South West braced themselves for another flood of festive verses, emergency services tried to re-assure them: "We've coped with verse before."

One middle-aged couple from Gateshead have been bracing themselves nearly every night - ever since they read a copy of '50 Shades of Grey'. But they still couldn't avoid another downpour of terrible verse: "Sometimes we do get off in rhyme - especially when these braces chime. But often we're up to our necks in verse. We hope things don't get any worse."

It seems that they will, forecasters fear. So brace yourselves for a Happy New Year.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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