Written by Tom Felicity Evans
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Thursday, 27 December 2012

16 piece brass band, 'The Ed Miller Band' has commenced court proceedings against the Labour Party to recoup financial losses which they attribute to an association with Labour leader and Wallace and Grommit stunt double Ed Miliband.

Band founder Ed Miller released a statement earlier today outside Biggleswade County Court; "that toothy fucker can suck my plums."

A representative for the Labour Party released a statement in reply advising; "whilst we regret any loss of earnings for brass or any other band formats as a result of the cloud of misery and boredom that surrounds our fearless leader, we could not possibly agree to testicular mastication or indeed any other sexual acts as compensation. We must remember after Gordon Brown sold all the country's gold he was made to offer 'compensation' to Governor of the Bank of England Mervyn King and afterwards he couldn't shit right for a week"

The Ed Miller Band are claiming the public's awareness of Ed Miliband and the similarity of their names has has a devastating affect to their bookings and album sales. The Ed Miller Band are a 16 piece brass band lead by tone deaf and deaf deaf band leader, Reginald Shufflebottom, who 'plays' a single cast iron radiator. Only one member of the band has an actual brass instrument (not including band member Jeremy Cleft who plays a set of brass spoons). 9 members of the band are equipped with those plastic half trumpets you always seemed to find at kids parties in the 80's and 90's.

Fans of the unorthodox brass medley are leaving the fan club at an astonishing rate and several have even unfriended the band members on Facebook. One ex-fan Sharonda D'Courcey Di Mattheo Smith, whose hobbies include button counting and rock touching, told us; "I used to love the Ed Miller Band, until I realised their name sounded quite similar to Ed Miliband off the telly, and I just think he's a cheese eating arse clown. Total moron."

The Ed Miller Band have had all their upcoming bookings at Labour Clubs across the country cancelled. Tony Sideboob, entertainment secretary for the Labour Club in Knightsbridge, told us; "We really didn't really have any choice but to cancel the Ed Miller Band once we realised the name sounded like that Ed Miliband. What kind of organisation would want to be associated with that clart? He looks like my aunt Joyce, and nobody likes her either."

We asked band leader Reginald Shufflebottom how this had affected him personally and he told us; "pardon?".

David Cameron was quizzed on the case during Prime Minister's questions by MP Eric Pickles. Cameron replied "who the hell is Ed Miliband?".

In light of the court case the Aardman group who produce Wallace and Grommit have confirmed immediate changes to the aesthetics of all characters to distance themselves from the Labour leader's impacts, which PR bad boy Max Clifford has dubbed 'fucking hilarious'. Wallace will now be an elderly woman from the Caribbean with no teeth and a 5 inch underbite. Grommit will now be a cow with dreadlocks.

Local reports suggest the Ed Miller Band are considering changing their name to 'The Gary Glitter Brass Experience' in an effort to rebuild the miserable tatters of the band's public image.

The case continues.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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