As the list of celebrities linked to the ongoing investigation into Jimmy Savile grows, it was revealed today that Santa Claus had been arrested by police.
Santa, real name Father Christmas, was arrested with regard to offences dating back to the 19th century. He has had unfettered access to children for most of that time and there have been several victims who all allege that he bounced them on his knee, asked them what they wanted and gave them 'gifts' in exchange for being 'good'.
Detective Inspector Manufactured-Evidence of Scotland Yard suggested that Claus may have had access to every human on earth, meaning that allegations may take many years to process. 'There have been many chimneys that this man may have come down' he said, without a hint of a smile, 'and he might have filled many stockings with his 'presents' '.
Elves at the North Pole reassured everyone everywhere that Christmas would proceed as normal, despite Santa's arrest, although deliveries may stretch into the New Year. 'We will visit everyone,' said Panto Tickle-Broom, Head Wrapper at the North Pole, 'although we won't drink your sherry as it makes us all pissy and we fuck around too much to get anything done.'