London - "Daft old cow's been reading too many bloody tabloid headlines, what?" the old curmudgeon snarled at Palace footmen today as details of the plot emerged.
"Why, only this morning the stupid bat asked me if I'd seen the effin' story and asked if I had my passport handy.
"Gadzooks, bloody Mayan Calendar doomsday twaddle's pickled her blasted brain."
The Prince's rant follows news that a wealthy Swiss banker woman, fed up with forking out $$$s for her brain-dead nonagenarian husband's care, flew her ageing spouse to Mumbai under the pretext of a 'Mayan end-of-the-world prophecy' holiday of a lifetime.
And promptly dumped him there at a decrepit old folks home before legging it back to her Swiss tax haven mansion.
Prince Philip apparently became suspicious after unexpectedly discovering some plane tickets for Friday's secret India flight, one of which was marked One Way Only.
Tomorrow's apocalyptic Winter Solstice begins at 11.11GMT.