Written by Joe Leff
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Wednesday, 19 December 2012

Food warnings remain in place for those parts of Britain where poor, starving people live in hope that it will rain a lot.

Food suppliers from the Environment Agency are now using emergency measures whereby carrier bags of food are released from domestic cargo planes whenever they fly through big clouds.

Heavy rain is more likely to fall on poorer regions. So these rain-assisted drop-downs ensure that food very quickly gets to those who are starving and soaking wet-through.

"It's nice to have ready-washed salads," said one grateful, thin recipient, "but I'm not too keen on sloppy bread."

Many poor people are pleased with these new rain-assisted emergency food parcels, but some are more cautious.
"Every day I pray for heavy rain," said a heavily-bruised, starving housewife in Slough. "But I'm not too good at dodging the tins of beans when they pour down."

Some starving people from the 'posher' poorer suburbs tend to be a bit 'choosy'. "It's always raining cats and dogs round here, but I prefer a bit of lamb, meself," said a skinny scavenger on Ilkley Moor.

The heavy rain does, however, have some unwanted side-effects. Flash floods have already affected various coastal towns where food shortages are greatest.

"It's fast food we want - not flash floods," said another starving pensioner in Sunderland.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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