The seven deadly sins have been in existence for as long as mankind has been able to distinguish between right and wrong. However, it has been decided that they need updating to bring them into the twenty-first century.
"The seven deadly sins are more reasons for murder these days," said half-bishop Jessica Simpson. "Except maybe sloth. The slothful probably would commit murder, but they can't be bothered."
Police detectives always look to the cardinal sins to solve murders.
"We'll firstly check avarice and lust," said police inspector Jenn Darme. "These are the most common reasons. Jealousy is another very common one too. Though anger and pride are right up there as well. Gluttony, well.. that's not so common. It's rare to hear of a motive for murder that somebody was taking too much from a wedding buffet. Although, I suppose cannibals could fall into this category, anyway, I'm rambling."
This isn't the first time that the seven cardinal sins have been amended. Up until the sixth century sadness was a mortal sin. This was to ensure that only happy people were let into heaven. However, the Genial Mood Equality movement of 590AD ensured that depression was dropped from the eight evil thoughts.
With the need to update the seven deadly sins, it was first thought to look at sinful things that people do on the internet, however, this generated a list of seventy deadly sins, which were too hard to memorise.
"We decided," said Jessica Simpson, "to instead go for something memorable, and settled on the seven dwarves. Rather surprisingly, we discovered it was actually quite hard to remember all seven without writing them down. But it's done now."
Sinfully sneezing, grumpiness or being mortally bashful will now prevent people from getting into Heaven. As will being a doctor.
"Those people who sleep all day will be sinful," said Simpson. "As will those people who are happy all the time. Bloody annoying those people. It's ironic really that happiness is now a sin, when it used to be sadness. It's a sign of the times. Oh, and stupid people are now sinful. Finally."