Stonehenge, Wilts - A British coven based near the prehysteric monument of Stonehenge has tipped off the press about the government's Doomsday plans for members of the Cabinet and the royal family.
"They're all legging it to a nuke-proof 'austerity' bunker under Buckingham Palace," Sister Morgana Hemlock said today, "stuffed with enough foie gras and vintage champagne to last a fortnight."
The emergency shelter will see the superstition nuts decamp below ground next Thursday evening to sit out a 36-hour Mayan calendar prophecy fallout slot.
This is expected to peak around 11.11GMT on Friday morning when the sun enters Capricorn, heralding Yule.
"What deluded dumb creatures they are," Hemlock continued, "allowing themselves to be herded into the Met's Winter Solstice humbug trap.
"Ever wondered where the proceeds of Saddam's $18 billion Oil-For-Fraud scam ended up?"
The tip-off says the year's longest night 'could be the night of the longest knives' for members of David Cameron's coterie of talked-up nonentities 'like Kate Middleton'.
Expect a powerful tremor to shake up the entire country as the corralled 'let-them-eat-cakers' [who after all are all 'innit together'] are systematically carted off to HMP Belmarsh.
Theresa May is 69.