Written by queen mudder
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Topics: Magic, cheese

Sunday, 30 July 2006

image for Woman sought in Parmalat Magic Cheese scam
Pessaries and suppositories: 'Magic Cheese' genius Cherie Blair

Santiago, Chile - (Associated Mess): Justice Department investigators involved in the prosecution of General Augusto Pinochet have issued a warrant for the extradition of a psychotic UK female barrister-impersonator after a massive pyramid-selling scam in which hundreds of thousands of people were conned in South America.

The huge swindle of gullible consumers involved persuading them to buy a reputedly extraordinary white powder - the Philosopher's Stone of the cosmetics industry - which they could allegedly turn into "Magic Cheese", reputedly part of a patented elixir of youth treatment believed to transform skin into its original pre-pubescent state.

But the powder, marketed under the name Yo! Flex Blair and costing $5000 for a one gramme packet, turned out to be an almost-worthless food supplement whose chemical composition has been analysed by the UK's National Poisons Unit and identified as dandruff.

Up to 100,000 desperate Peruvians, Chileans and Bolivians are believed to have been fleeced by the fraud, which Interpol has identified as being the brainchild of a UK woman barrister-impersonator in the back pocket of the Parmalat, the Italian bankrupt dairy giant which went down owing 14 billion euros in 2003.

Parmalat has suffered a series of very public seismic shockwaves during the last few weeks following the 'suicide' of its banker and financial consultant Gianmario Roveraro, an Opus Dei fixer who was found chainsawn to death under a bridge in Gorgonzola after a highly-publicised report of manic depression following the collapse of the Parmalat company - described by Interpol as being notorious for milking EU farming subsidies and other dairy products.

Santiago investigating magistrates have issued a statement alleging that the woman being sought had promoted the Yo! Flex Blair product to rich and famous European socialites as a cosmetic wonder treatment that creamed off the upper layers of the epidermis and instantly rejuvenated the leathery surfaces beneath.

Clients were advised to bulk-buy the product and mix it with the breast milk of former virgin teenage mothers who had suddenly got pregnant on their very first encounter with sperm and given birth under favourable astrological auspices connected to the New Millenium solstices.

A highly confidential list of bona-fide under-16 year old prima gravidas was supplied at an extra charge of $5000 and the entire package marketed on a word-of-mouth basis.

The beauty product included strict instructions for the fermentation period required to transform the white powders and lactations into the final product, and detailed information on how the 'Magic Cheese' should then be converted into pessaries and suppositories, for internal application via the usual channels.

Chilean investigators are also probing reports that the white powders had originally been sourced to suppliers in Robert Mugabe's Zimbabwe where they had been classified as a food supplement connected to the Snake-Oil-for-Fraud scam run by Skull 'N' Bone operators financed by Dick Cheney's Halliburton de-construction company.

The woman being sought on an Interpol warrant is believed to have earned at least 3.75 million pounds for her share of the scam - roughly the same amount that Cherry Bush QC paid for the vastly over-inflated bijou Bayswater pad whose mortgage has all but ruined the hapless property speculators of No 10 Downing Street.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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