Researchers working at the University of North London have concluded that former TV presenter Jimmy Savile shared many characteristics with the cell structures found in malignant tumours.
Dr Not-the-second-nurse, a specialist in aggressive cancers, suggested that Savile 'preyed on the vulnerable, attaching himself to the lymphatic system and spreading to all parts of the body - just like a cancer'. The BBC, he added, would have known about this but still let him sit on chairs in dressing rooms at Television Centre, infecting thousands with his Black Death of celebrity sordidness.
In other news, William Hill are taking bets on who Operation Yewtree will pull in next. They go 8/11-on Tony Blackburn, 4/1 against for Nicky Campbell and 20/1 against for Delia Smith. Labrokes say you can have Graham Norton each-way, but that is an unsubstantiated rumour at the moment.