"The UK is under constant attack from "cyber enemies"" Ministers screamed as they all ran from Westminster this afternoon. After Back and to the Left tracked them down to their secret command bunke(which incidentally doubles as Teresa May's garden shed now due to spending cutbacks) we got a sensible answer to the latest ratings from our (barely) in control Government.
"Cyber enemies are very real and not like those guys from Tron at all. Many foreign powers are trying to access all sorts of sensitive information like Sam Cameron's bra size and how often Nick Clegg has "cracked" one off during Prime Ministers question time. It's hard time to maintain national security on an international level especially with so many transnational companies operating within our borders."
So what does this mean for us, the normal hard working people of this fair and racially tolerant land? We asked.
"It means that we as a government, with your best interests at heart of course, will allow ourselves access to every single piece of information about you on the internet. Terrorists, paedophiles and "bad guy" countries will be stopped by these new measures."
Being a little thick and very tired on account of all the late night topless wrestling we had been watching we were still confused.
"Basically if your fourteen year old self ever sent an email criticising the government you may be prosecuted. Also anyone who has ever downloaded a song/film illegally will be placed in a detention centre for five years."
All these terrible new powers because China posted some links to porn on our Facebook profile.