A man from Portsmouth, currently living in Dundee but working in Hereford on a contract from a firm based in Wolverhampton but registered in Jersey for tax purposes, has blamed medication he took for Parkinson's disease for turning him into a homosexual, compulsive gambler
Matt Bottomly 47 say's "although the shaking stopped the buggery started". Matt's harrowing tale started three years ago when he was prescribed his medication by his local GP.
"I had being diagnosed with Parkinson's disease which was a bit of a bummer and that is also what I became."
Although we did our best not to laugh during the man's recollections, several key points were missed by our journalist due to immense levels of concentration we were having to employee not to laugh directly in his face.
"I had been taking the meds for three weeks and everything was going well. I was watching the midweek Champions League game Arsenal V some crap European team and Arsenal were of course losing. I then felt compelled to pick go online and bet 1K on Arsenal to win the Champions League! No one in their right mind would make that bet."
But it got worse. For Arsenal and for Matt but we're only talking about Matt here.
"It had been a nightmare for me gambling wise, I had become addicted. Sometimes I would make random bets with passersby on which pensioner would reach the bus stop first, I nearly always lost. Several of those "granny races" ended up with me paying out several hundred quid to a stranger and shouting a tonne of verbal abuse at a eighty year old man. But it was the gay sex that tipped me over the edge."
We felt that we should put a line in here just to make sure the reader doesn't forget that were writing this piece.
"One day, while I was walking past the local steel mill, I saw this guy. Nothing special fuzzy moustache, pot belly, no thumbs but I thought I had to have him there and then. By the end of the afternoon I had been fucked by all of the workers in the mill and several of the office staff, although the manager had turned down the opportunity choosing instead to stroke himself in the corner of the room. Which I found incredibly sexy. Yet at the end of the day I was disgusted at my actions and found myself to have a ass, that if the wind changed direction, you could hear the sea in."
We were shocked to hear Matt's reason as to why he had suddenly became a all you can eat buffet for anyone who's playing for the other team.
"It's those fucking pills! Not the years and years of pent up sexual frustration, of the frustration of never been able to fit in, the frustration of conformation into society's rigid set of rules. Never been able to let loose, to love who I want to fuck who or what I want. It's not the money troubles that caused me to remember all money is worthless, it's a selection of numbers on a screen that mean nothing! Nothing! None of these things could have possibly contributed to my homosexual gambling addictions. Those pills have ruined my life."
We agreed with Matt's ranting as pills had ruined our lives as well back in the 90's. We really believed "Happy Hardcore" had a message to spread.