The nation was gripped by baby fever today as news was announced from Buckingham Palace that "Princess" Kate is suffering from extreme nausea and sickness. Media sycophants and lickspittles flooded the airwaves with the "glad tidings" causing Guardian readers and republicans in turn to suffer their own symptoms of illness and fatigue as once again they found themselves sick and tired of the mindless stupidity of it all.
Contrary to rumours HRH Kate's condition is not caused by enforced cohabitation with a family of German-Scottish-Greek inbred ne'erdowells, miscreants, social misfits and balding retards but is the result of a pregnancy brought about by the secret intervention of a veterinary staff member from the stud farm belonging to the so-called "Princess Royal".
A Palace insider gave the lowdown to The Spoof's undercover reporter, Paxton Quigley, our man in the Barbour jacket, in a West End pub.
"It's true, Grandmamma, sorry I mean the Queen was getting worried that Wills wasn't doing it right and had a word with Kate, or 'Sticks and Bones' as we like to call her. It seems that he was taking the advice of his public school chums by sticking it up her arse and wasting all that royal spunk. So Her Maj called in Auntie, sorry I mean, the Princess Royal to sort it out. She had the perfect solution, a vet from her stud farm.
"Old Horse Face organised an alarm system for Kate which she could use to summon the vet whenever Wills was feeling frisky. The vet would rush to the royal bedroom let himself in and, just as Wills was about to shoot his load, Kate would fight off old Baldilocks ready for the vet to grab the royal appendage and shove it in the right place just like he would do with a horse. Bingo, a few shags and couple of litres of jissom later and she's got one in the oven."
Palace sources refused to confirm or deny the story.