A married couple from Little Divot are the talk of the village after a dispute left neighbours reaching for their earplugs.
Clive and Barbara Peddle, both 45, are well known in the village for their domestic disputes, but locals reckon this is the worst one yet.
Mr Peddle explained the origin of the argument to our reporter Ava Dayoff. "The missus had been getting on at me all morning. Do this, do that. I was proper fed up. Anyway, I'd settled down with a cup of tea and some crumpets looking forward to watching a bit of snooker. Then the missus came in and started moaning that she wanted to watch one of those bloody shopping channels. She's cost me a chuffin' fortune with those things."
He briefly paused to pick up his credit card bill and shake his head before continuing. "Apparently Joan Rivers has a new collection of some old crap she's flogging and the missus can't get enough of it. I told her if she held off for a week she'd get all the stuff she wanted at the local car-boot sale because most people who buy that rubbish sell it a week later for next to nowt. She'd been at the gin so I knew she'd be right up for a barney. That was all part of my cunning plan. Everytime we argue she tells me not to expect any rumpy pumpy for a month and I can't stand the bloody woman so I'm happy with that. The argument went on for an hour and I missed the snooker but it's a small price to pay."
After doing a little dance to show his delight, he concluded. "Now I'm formulating a plan to get out of having any nookie next month. I tell you, it's almost as exhausting coming up with these schemes as it is having sex with her. Mind you, it's not as unpleasant."
One of the Peddle's neighbours, local busybody and retired racist Wally Spankerton, stuck his oar in. "The bleedin' noise that pair make when they're shouting at each other does my head in. Having said that, it's not as noisy as when they get down to it. The sounds Mrs Peddle makes are horrendous. It's like when a fan belt comes a bit loose in your car only one hundred times louder and more annoying. That husband of hers is a poor sod. She's a right bloody pain in the arse."
Our reporter did attempt to talk to Mrs Peddle but she was unable to speak or move due to a gin induced state of temporary paralysis.