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Saturday, 1 December 2012

image for Leveson inquiry to be made into a major Hollywood film
Oh god! Not another article about Leveson.

It's the document which defines recommendations for how the the UK press should be regulated in future. It's also long - running to a whopping four huge books. That's even longer than Lord of the Rings.

Bert Hollywood of Dorking - producer of such classic films as Police Academy 14 and The Making Of Police Academy 14 - has been quick to jump on the new book and is attempting to turn it into a screenplay. He has named Peter Jackson as a hot favourite to direct the potential trilogy with four parts, and may approach Ian McKellen to play Lord Leveson.

Film critic Ivan Opinion has bashed the idea on his ListenToMePlease blog, saying that the inquiry was basically unfilmable without massively changing the plot. Making a film version true to the original material would basically consist of Lord Leveson holding dreary meetings and interviews with various people, and then sitting down and writing the document. "It would be a bit like My Left Foot, but about a man who has no problems writing. They could call it My Functioning Two Hands."

However, Mr Opinion thought that by adding completely fictional details to the film, it could be made more interesting. He thought they could go for a romantic angle, like You've Got Mail, where Levenson emails his wife regularly saying he'll be home late so don't start cooking dinner yet.

Alternatively, it could be made into a comedy like Big Momma's House, with Leveson in a giant fat suit trying to infiltrate the secretive newspaper cabals. Watching Ian McKellen dressed up as Big Momma telling off a newspaper editor would be pure cinematic gold, he said.

The only other way Mr Opinion could think of to make the film interesting would be to exaggerate the evilness of the press, and add some Matrix-style conspiracy where the newspapers are somehow controlling the whole planet. But, he added laughing, nobody would believe that.

Bert Hollywood said that he didn't think the Leveson Inquiry needed to be made more interesting. Besides, he added, he knew a way to check the messages on Lord Leveson's phone to obtain some exciting extra details for the script.

"The Leveson Inquiry" is expected to be in cinemas by next Christmas.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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