EU leaders have been meeting in Brussels this week to discuss the budget for the union over the next few years. There is serious disagreement between different member states as to whether the budget should be increased or slashed.
French finance minister Francois Grenouille sat in the meeting for 20 hours solid, only getting off his obese derriere to block one of the building's toilets. During the meeting he consumed 22 vol-au-vents, 6 plates of foie gras, 3 bottles of Champagne, 7 quiches Lorraine and a lamb stuffed with snails. He belched, "Eet ees eemportant to support zee French food eendustry. Weethout our laveesh EU farmeeng budget, we would not be able to afford such a great banquet as I have had 'ere tonight. Eencrease zee spending, especially to French farmers!"
Italian bureaucrat Mario Karto was in full agreement. He ate 14 plates of alphabetti spaghetti, 3 pizzas with salami, 7 bowls of mafia ice cream and a bottle of Martini. He also had two of ex-president Berlusconi's lap-dancers visit him regularly to help mop the sweat from his brow. Owing to his enormous size, he perspired huge amounts, so much that the ink began to run on documents he touched. Karto said that he thought the rich countries of northern Europe should give more money to the poorer countries in the South, especially to Italy as he needed a larger mansion to house his mistresses.
It was up to the MP for East Yorkshire and former winner of Europe's Fattest Man John Thrift to try to persuade the others to spend less. He ate 35 pork pies, two fish suppers, 18 Scotch eggs and 3 roast dinners during the long conference, as well as drinking 17 pints of warm beer. At the end of the session, he was slurring his words badly and spoiling for a fight. Between outrageous farts, he was able to make the following statement, "I'm like Churchill, right! Ooooh, yes! And I'll make these Johnny Foreigners cut their spending if I have to nick their wallets myself. We're not going to prop up overpriced European farming. They should copy us Brits and make cheap crappy mass-produced food that the plebs will lap up. Why spend a fortune on something you're just going to stuff down your gob? No, instead you make it out of cardboard and add lots of flavourings. We don't want to pay for the bloody CAP, so if the EU don't cut it then we want to keep our rebate. Now, who wants to wrestle? Merkel, get over here now!!!"
The meeting will continue for a third day. More food has been ordered.