Norfolk - A headstone on the Sandringham Estate bearing the name 'Sugar' has been identified as the last resting place of Prince Philip.
His sudden unexpected death circa 1959 was hushed up to spare Brits the ignominy of 'auto-erotic asphyxiation' headlines in the national press according to reliable sources.
"Always understood Philip was replaced by some Foreign Orifice doppelganger johnny called Williams," Sandringham head gardener Douggie Shuffles recalled as groundsmen on the royal estate prepared headstones of dozens of royal 'pooches' for cleaning.
"A damn stupid lookalike with halitosis and penchant for racist jokes, he's played a blinder these last 53 years in the cameo role of Duke of Edinburgh."
Dozens of canine graves tucked away in a wooded corner of the Norfolk spread bear the insignia 'beloved servant' or 'faithful companion' of the Queen.
"Place is littered with HM's ex toy boys, heheh," Shuffles continued, "nobody would ever dare call the cops to exhume this lot with the Queen swearing blind that they're all dead dogs, so to speak."
Other theories reckon scores of former royal bank managers, lawyers and quite a few ex-police commissioners are also buried beneath tombstones bearing the names 'Poochikins, beloved corgi, 1963-1979', 'Rover' and 'Sandringham Fifi'.
And a plot marked with a simple horse shoe sculpture is the last resting place of missing 1982 Epsom Derby winner Shergar.
The Duchess of Doomsday Maltravers is 69.