Written by Simon Saunders
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Sunday, 25 November 2012

image for Leicester Man Causes Public Transport Kerfuffle
Mr Cataract trying to look like butter wouldn't melt after being released from police custody

We've not seen any perillous edge-of-your-seat bus related rhubarbery since Keanu Reeves' blockbuster film 'Speed'.

That's unless you believe seventy-three year old Leicester man Maurice Cataract's story.

Following the collapse of a driver on the thirty-one Arriva bus, Mr Cataract claims he sprung into action and took control of the vehicle guiding it safely through a garden wall and into the living room of a delighted unsuspecting couple.

Mr Cataract told us the tale of what initially seems like a feat of remarkable bravery. "I was sitting at the back of the bus picking me nose and eating it when the driver had a funny turn. Once he'd stopped turning he slumped in his seat. Out for the count he was. Anyhow, I swiftly moved to the front of the bus and dragged the driver out of his seat, wiped the snot off my fingers and took control. The bus was doing fifty as I grappled with the steering wheel. All the passengers were screaming like scared little girls. It took me a couple of seconds to focus on the road and that's when I noticed a group of cherub-faced little schoolkids on the pavement."

After checking his nose for a fresh nasal nibble, he continued. "I managed to swerve away from the impending doom and through a wall before smashing into someone's living room. That's a result if you ask me."

Detective Inspector Lineker of Leicester constabulary has cast doubt on Mr Cataract's version of events. He told a press conference. "Having reviewed the footage from onboard camera's it would appear he's either a bit confused or a lying old git."

DI Lineker continued, "The bus was stationary in a lay-by having been brought to a halt by the poorly driver. He could then be seen slumped in his seat apparently unconscious. Mr Cataract wandered to the front of the bus with his finger up his nose and scratching his backside, rifled through the drivers pockets, manoeuvred him onto the luggage rack before starting the engine and driving off into a semi-detached house about half a mile further down the carriageway, narrowly avoiding a completely traffic free road. Conveniently for Mr Cataract there were no other passengers so he must've seen an opportunity to rob the stricken driver before concocting his cock and bull story about saving the bus and fellow travellers from disaster. As for his claim that he narrowly avoided mowing down some schoolchildren, well, hardly likely seeing as it was 8.30 in the evening when all of this happened."

Finally, Detective Inspector Lineker ended the press conference by telling reporters. "We've checked our records on Mr Cataract and discovered this isn't the first time he's done something of this nature. In 2005 he took control of another bus when the driver fell ill and drove it into an Indian takeaway so he could nick some onion bhajji's for his dinner."

The owner of the now half demolished house, Betty Compost, is not a happy old biddy. "It's ridiculous, I know the council said they were going to extend the bus route nearer to where I live but I didn't expect it to come through the bleeding living room. The silly old sod who did this and then lied through his denchers to the police wants locking up."

Mr Cataract has been released by the police following questioning and a good doing. A condition of his release is that he must not ride on any buses in Leicestershire ever again.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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