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Sunday, 25 November 2012

image for Church admits to existence of "Super-Satan"
Monsignor Deathlips O'Leary - CofE Exorcist-at-Large

It hasn't been the most edifying of weeks for the Church of England.

First they introduce Archbishop of Canterbury-to-be Justin Webbeleyebbely for our appraisal. Webbeleyebbely has an interesting past, only being ordained in 1991. He had previously spent ten years under section in various psychiatric hospitals due to "delusions of adequacy, a fully developed inner-life of Martians and the Mafia, and unusually florid hallucinations involving Richard Dawkins and unicorns".

Webbeleyebbely says that he has been healed and is keen to stamp his evangelical vision on the country.

Secondly, they ban the idea of women becoming Bishops. Whatever next? Ban Muslims from being vicars?? A woman's place in the church is now equivalent to the back end of a Pantomime horse.

This is the background to what the Church are calling "The most profoundly disturbing and theologically challenging information that has ever been seen by mankind." Strong meat from an organisation with its head in the 17th Century.

The Church released a press statement this morning which reads as follows:

"Following several years of study by our top theologians we are in the position now to state categorically that Satan, nasty as he is, is not the last word in evil. There is a power far more terrible which we have nominally called 'Rasputin Thatcher'."

The new infernal deity was, apparently, a small-time Seraphim named Malcolm Demonspunker who, through a combination of powerful psychotropic drugs, self-help books and a dysfunctional youth, has undergone a massive transformation leaving him 'unspeakably dark and also very rude'.

A somewhat hysterical Webbeleyebbely said "This is the demonic equivalent of The Perfect Storm. From what I can see this Demonspunker is a complete and utter psycho. And he's given the Church of England notice that he's going to start 'playing rough' on or around 21st December. Personally I'm so fucked up about it all I've already spent the kid's Christmas money on Jack Daniel's and crack-whores. Christmas itself is cancelled."

For those with an eye on 'the heavens', 21/12/2012 is a key moment in the Mayan Calendar. It is felt that Bishop Webbeleyebbely may simply be playing fast and loose with a number of theological strands in order to divert attention from his organisations current predicament.

The C of E are planning a roadshow in order to educate people on how best to cope with the new dangers: A Fete Worse Than Death. Apart from leaflets and video presentations the Church have also produced a new version of 'The Exorcist' in order to get their message through. In it they get the devil to take the priest out of a child.

"We're attempting to claw some credibility back," said Webbeleyebbely. "I'm going to drill a huge hole through the Moon and thread a massive piece of string through it. Then the Church will finally be able to conker the World *gibber gibber gibber*..."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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