Written by Bradford Slippers
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Topics: Guy Fawkes

Tuesday, 11 November 2003

image for No arrest over burning bigot
Firemen are there. Look

South Westerley County Council refused to comment today on allegations that they had effectively goaded local idiots into burning a straw bigot during traditional Guy Fawkes night celebrations, as a childish attempt to "even the score" after some local residents had seen fit to pick on some pikeys.

One eyewitness, who preferred to remain an anomaly, described the scene as "political madness gone correct" and said that council workers had reacted "overly" to suggestions that they had not reacted "at all" to the events of the previous night. Damien Fisher, an idiot, commented "I was shocked. Some of my best friends are bigots and to see them represented in such a callous and ignorant fashion just highlights the misunderstanding that most people in this county have about us. I mean, them".

The bizarre events unfolded after a secretive meeting of the South Westerley Guy Fawkes Society broke up early and a dozen members dressed in smoking jackets began pushing a 15 foot effigy of an old fat bloke smoking a cigar with the words 'Bloody Beggars' tattooed on his forehead down the high street. The old fat bloke was sat in a huge wooden Jag, with the mocked-up registration "B1 GOT" hastily duabed on the place where a fat bloke's Jag would normally say "1M FAT".

Soon after, the crowds of school children and brownies who had been waiting expectantly for an enormous Nemo made out of old newspaper ran tearfully into the arms of their child minders and blubbed all the way home about "the fat man, the fat man".

The South Westerly Police issued a statement through their press office which was really very dull, but said something like "We can't be arsed with this". An officer we approached asked us if we were "from that undercover telly thing" and just scarpered.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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