Written by Joe Leff
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Wednesday, 21 November 2012

image for Doctors seek huge rise in ice in drinks
More ice, please

Leading British medical bodies, concerned about high levels of alcohol-related health problems, are calling for more ice to be used in drinks.

An increase of 50 per cent more ice in an average glass of beverage bought in pubs and bars would reduce alcohol consumption by about 20 per cent.

"A 90 per cent increase in ice would reduce alcohol-related problems by 50 per cent," said Dr Ivor Koldand, Director of the Freezer Section of the Alcohol Research Agency.

Supporting evidence for this proposal comes from Iceland, where vast quantities of free ice are available to accompany a relative shortage of over-priced beverages. Rates of alcoholism are less than negligible.

Long-term problem drinkers are also in favour of the new proposal. "After a couple of high-ice drinks," said one nithered-looking boozer, "all I want to do is go home and sit by a warm cosy fire."

And in Gateshead, regular party-goers are already looking forward to 'bring-your-own-ice' parties.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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