Written by Simon Saunders
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Saturday, 17 November 2012

image for Little Divot Man Accuses Local Casino Of Cheating
Craps Sir? No thanks I've just had one

Following a night of copious drinking, excessive cigarette smoking and reckless gambling with his wife's gin money, Little Divot man Clive Peddle has issued a stark warning to anyone else contemplating doing the same.

Mr Peddle told us, "After all the shenanighans the other night I'm now nursing an aching liver, have a wheezing cough only rivalled by recently deceased soap legend Jack Duckworth after a particularly heavy night on the woodbines, and my wallet is in a critical condition. Worse than all that my ears have taken a merciless bashing from the missus after I spent all her gin money in the local casino."

Mr Peddle went on to accuse the local 'Mugs Game' casino of being a bunch of cheaters.

Clearly enraged, he told us, "That bloody casino's a scam. As I staggered in I caught a look at the roulette table and noticed that the last five spins had all landed on red. I put money on the next twelve spins. Would you believe it they all came out red and I'd put me dosh on black. I confronted the croupier but he just muttered something under his breath about probability. I told him at the rate he was going the probability of him getting a smack in the mouth was higher than my chances of winning on the bloody roulette table. I got thrown out after that. Robbing bastards."

The owner of the 'Mugs Game' casino, coincidently also the local Mayor, I.M Tetchy, dismissed the accusations.

He smugly told us, "It's ridiculous. Everyone knows that gambling is risky. That's why it's called gambling. I accept we've only paid out £7.80 since we opened five years ago but it's not because the games are rigged. It's because the locals are thick."

Mayor Tetchy continued, "We used to have a local fella who'd come in every Friday causing trouble on the blackjack table. I said to him, 'Just because your name is Jack and you happen to be black it doesn't mean you automatically win. That's not how the game works mate.' He never listened. Every week the same thing. I barred him eventually and he accused me of racism as a result. I told him, 'It's not because you're black, Jack. It's because you're an idiot.' Never seen him since."

We spoke to Mr Peddle again following Mayor Tetchy's explanation that his customers were all thick.

Mr Peddle told us, "He thinks we're all thick? Haha! He must've forgotten the time I won his Christmas raffle. I'd just lost a packet at his casino prior to the raffle and the wife told me that if I didn't have bad luck I'd have no luck at all. I decided to show 'em both so I bought all the tickets. I wasn't gonna let the Mayor outwit me again. Eight grand it cost me but I bloody won that raffle! That was skill, nothing to do with luck. That showed the Mayor and the bleedin' missus."

At this point Mr Peddle's wife Barbara chipped in, "Yeah, and what did you win? A five quid gift voucher for the Mayor's own bloody off-license. Yeah, you really showed us. How to be a complete prat."

At this point in the conversation a prolonged domestic argument seemed inevitable so we hung up and left the Peddle's to it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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