The European Equality Commission have forced through a number of laws which are likely to make significant changes to the way people live their lives. Owing to the nature of the EU-wide changes, there is nothing the UK government or anyone can do to stop them.
Starting next month, it will be illegal to label clothes in shops as mens' or womens'. Effectively all items for sale must be unisex, including stilettos, brassieres and condoms.
However, the new legislation is even more far-reaching. It will no longer be possible to label toilets as male or female. All toilets must be open to everyone or risk being closed down.
The purpose of the laws is to end any form of sex-based discrimination, even when the reasons for differences between the sexes is entirely reasonable.
One of the more bizarre outcomes of the decree is that all sex videos which are named after a gender-specific body part will be banned. Instead of "Big Bazongas" or "Monster Hoo-has", porn films will need to be retitled something like "Oversized Genitalia", or "Big Body Parts".
Equality enforcer Gia Joe applauded the changes, saying, "We must rid the world of any gender-specific objects and end the chauvinistic phallocentric oppression which has crippled humanity for millenia. The sexless gender-neutral utopia is only a few months away. Now excuse me while I go and buy some unisex tampons and use a urinal for the first time."