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Monday, 12 November 2012

image for BBC Contemplates Piers Morgan as Last Man Standing to Purge 'festering bog pit?"
Piers Says if Tapped for the Beeb, He'll Promote 'more mature' News Content, Features and Investigative Journalis

Piers Moron just leaked in a Rolling Stone interview that he'd consider giving up his 'wildly' successful show in America to 'come home to roost' as head of the BBC.

He was non committal when asked if he favoured Russell Brand to be the face of BBC's comedy division to replace Jimmy Savile in a popular appeal to regain at least a percentage of the heterosexual audience that have been overlooked in the past decade 'or two."

The startling revelation comes after the BEEB announced they've run out of replacement chair warmers that would be approved by Sally Bercow!

"You've got to give the audience wot they want, Eh," said Piers as he preened at the makeup mirror before air time on the set of his show "Don't Hang Up the Phone' where listeners call in for advice, leave a message and he get's back to them in his syndicated news column.

As for his 'close ties' to Rebukah Brooks, "Well, I haven't talked to her for quite a while since 'The Troubles', but I did leave her a few messages on the phone requesting a riding date. Sadly she hasn't got back to me yet;damn machines are totally unreliable and often delete messages before anyone gets 'em! Disgrace, really, innit?"

Piers said he also thought about bringing abroad some of the colony's most successful reality shows that would be good to improve morale in the UK.

He said "Honey BOO -B0O", "Pit bulls and Parolees," and "Tots with No Tits" Beauty pageants would probably go over 'real big' with fans outside of London. "Too many bloody foreigners in the big city to really git it," he declared. "It's a culture thing I think; too tribal to go over big in London with all those pesky diversity issues."

Moron (sic) said he'd probably go after Rudolph Murdoch too. "We need to spice up the Beeb, and I owe Rudolph big time, I'd be going after some of those Hot Fox Presenters and bring them over here to tart up the place a bit. Got enough cows in job worth talking positions, no need to look at more of them after coming home from the pub! Depressing, innit?"

Reports from Labour indicate they're 'all in' behind the idea of bringing in some 'new blood' to get the scandal ridden BBC 'turned around and right side up', "although Piers may not be the right fit or have the right stature' ' said the increasingly diminutive John Bercow whose wife Sally said she fancies her husband for the job and the chance for her own drama show where she is pitted against smarmy barristers who attempt to sue her arse off for empty headed comments.

"I see it as Nancy Drew takes on a Perry Mason type of thingy; of course Nancy isn't gay like Perry was, which adds to the drama," said the aspiring thespian.

Meanwhile, husband John is said to have had 'the sheet' scared out of him due to impending law suits brought against his wife by Lord McAlpine for smears coming out of the Savile scandal.

According to an insider close to Pier's creative group, he wants to bring over America's Michael Moore, Oliver Stone, and Harvey Weinstein to contribute their artistry to the beleaguered institution thanks to their approach to documentary presentations favoring continued progressive measures mirroring Nick Clegg's partisan view of the European Union.

In addition, said one Guardian journalist not currently being sued, they will be instrumental in bringing Labour back into power promising to 'produce all the news that's fit to print, in our estimation', a position close to Cherie Blair's heart which caused her to contact her estate agent and go pile shopping.

The Conjoined Miliband Twins now say the BBC 'took a blind eye and bent over backwards ' to accommodate a number of 'presenters' who abused thousands of children and were joined by dozens of parliament members who were confused about their sexuality.'

As for the charges Ed said, "I can't comment further. If you want to know names, contact Sally Bercow, she seem to be on top of every one wearing pants at the moment!"

Cher and Chaz Bono, John Travolta and Tom Cruise applauded the stand taken by the opposition party saying only, "The Conservatives have for too long been the party of straight, out of touch white heterosexuals pressing for stringent penalties against man/boy love and backing the ridiculous laws on the age of consent!"

Said DCI Sean Muddlewaithe, in charge of the continuing investigation, at least until he's removed from the case, "I suspect as we continue to dig about in the muck, we'll find a few more of the buggers hanging around in a closet somewhere. Good Bet, Innit?"

More news at 11, right after our coverage of the riots.

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