Due to the fact that there seems to be a paedophile in every classroom, swimming pool and radio booth children will be given "Anti Abduction" lessons from schools. A spokesman said:
"We have discovered that children are becoming fatter and more stupid so paedophiles are having an easier job picking up kids. We're starting with this initiative then we'll be moving onto knife fighting techniques so children can incapacitate more persistent offenders."
Back and to the Left news was given part of the proposed lesson plan including a "Ten Point Letter On How To Avoid Paedophiles" which we have reprinted for your child's safety.
1. Remember there are never any puppies.
2. Takeaway food is never a good swap for your innocence.
3. Never sit on any grown up's knee. All are potential offenders.
4. Whatever any stranger tells you to do, do the exact opposite.
5. Whenever you are approached in the street by a stranger kick them in the shins and run off in a random direction screaming. Even if they look like a police officer and especially if they look like a BBC employee.
6. Don't close your eyes, even for a second when around other adults. You will die.
7. Never give out your I-Phone number....but then again you're a kid why would you have a I-Phone...oh.
8. Zac Efron and Justin Bieber do not want to be your friend on Facebook. They are not the handsome celebrities you want them to be, they are middle aged men called Carl who have got straggly facial hair.
9. When using the toilet always check under the seat. Paedophiles like the warm moistness and often use the underside of toilet seats as breeding grounds.
10. Never leave your house. Never. You will never see mummy or daddy again.
So there you have it the first steps on the road to protecting our children. Back and to the Left News thinks it might be easier to give sex offenders tougher prison sentences than to terrify our children into submission but whatever.