Written by Skoob1999
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Topics: Seance, spirits, Medium

Saturday, 24 November 2012

image for Medium Left Distraught As Spirit Guide Materialises And Says: 'Leave Me Alone! Dickhead!'
Effin Cavalry In Happier Times Playing The Pipes Of 'Piss'

Renowned spiritualist and pay per session medium, Carlos Decorum, revealed today that he was left in a distraught and extremely anxious state, following a seance at Carlisle's world renowned 'Cathedral Of The Dead Folk,' following an incident in which his spirit guide materialised and told Decorum in no uncertain terms to: "Fuck off and leave me alone! You weirdo dickhead!"

Sipping from a glass of Aldi's finest malt whisky, whilst chewing a semingly endless supply of Prozac, Decorum revealed: "It was disturbing. To say the least. My spirit guide is a native American who goes by the name of Effin Cavalry, and he's usually pretty cool about people wanting to talk to people who have crossed over. For some reason, Effin was uncharacteristically hostile today. He told me to 'fuck off,' and leave him alone. Calling me a 'dickhead' in the process. He gave the impression that he really didn't want to be bothered with mumbo-jumbo questions, and that he'd rather be left alone. Which is most unusual. In and of itself. I really thought that when he materialised, he was going to punch me really hard in the face. Proper upset he was. My nerves are shredded, and no mistake."

Attendee at the seance, Ms Hilda Stoat told reporters: "It was quite disturbing really. I mean, you expect a bit of bell ringing, celestial trumpet playing and wailing at seances, but not a native American tribesman manifesting himself in full physical form and going off on one. And his language was disgusting. Poor Mr Decorum didn't know where to look. I really felt for him. But he was out of reach."

Rival spiritualist, Henry Tongue, in an effort to get to the bottom of Effin Cavalry's out of character episode related:

"Effin's pissed off. He's sick of Decorum trying to talk to somebody's mum or Uncle Nobby and using him as a conduit. He'd just had a belly full of that crap. He went to great pains to point out that they don't put 'Rest In Peace' on headstones for 'a fucking giggle' - he pointed out quite succinctly that it basically means 'Leave me the fuck alone.' And I for one think that should be respected. You can't go round taking liberties with spirit guides - it just isn't the done thing."

"I'm going for a lie down," Carlos Decorum said. "Me nerves are shot, and I need a rest. I'm just grateful that Effin Cavalry went back to the other side relatively peacefully and didn't start kicking off with the old poltergeist routine. Where's me duvet?"

"I'd better go with him," Hilda Stoat said. "I shall sit by him at his bedside and mop his fevered brow. I'm well equipped to deal with anything that comes up. Oh yes indeedy."

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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