The new Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, was today confirmed in the position only because others being considered as candidates were eliminated from the running due to various factors.
Saintly Simon Cowell was eliminated from the running at a very early stage because of his insistence that both the archbishop's residence and the Westminster cathedral office should convert their telephones to premium rate telephone numbers.
The Chief Rabbi, Lord Sachs, despite his declared retirement from his own position thus resulting in extra time on his hands, was felt perhaps to be a little too Jewish for further consideration regarding the position.
In an attempt to foster inter-faith relations, Abu Hook Hanza was also in the running, but several factors caused his downfall as a primary candidate. Firstly, it was felt that presenting communion to the masses using hooks might be a bit off-putting for celebrants. Secondly, his deportation and detention in the USA was considered to be slightly obstructive to him taking up his duties efficiently. And thirdly, referring to celebrants as "infidels" and wanting to blow them up might also be a cause for some concern amongst members of the public.
His Royal Highness, The Duke of Edinburgh had also been invited to consider applying, but it was felt that if chairing a meeting of Archbishops, he might get a bit carried away with asking Dr John Sentamu "And what do you do", possibly bringing subjects like jungles and witchcraft into the conversation.
On account of her wonderful wardrobe of gaily coloured dresses, Dame Lily Savage was the final candidate to be asked, but unfortunately, although very appropriate, her existing pantomime commitment at the end of the year was thought to be inconvenient.