Written by Joe Leff
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Wednesday, 7 November 2012

Increasing numbers of Britain's students are using hand-made drugs to boost their academic performance.

Typically, students facing exams wrap a cosy rug around themselves whilst complaining that the exam hall is too cold. This procedure enables students to consult crib notes out of sight of the invigilators. It is also very off-putting for other students who sit there cold and rugless, and thus feel very disadvantaged.

The widespread use of colourful, 'psychedelic' rugs within academia has led to growing concerns among colleges and universities that it may soon be necessary to start random rug testing. But proper testing procedures still need to be developed.

"We know about randomness and tests," said one college tutor, "although we're not up-to-date with this rugs business. But it's no use just sweeping it under the carpet. We've got to crack on with it."

Students at Ruggles College are unwilling to give up their rug use. "We don't want any rug tests - they'll only be rigged."

One high-flying student said "The beauty about these hand-made rugs is that they can be used over and over again. And you get a real feeling of aristocratic power. When there's a lot of us with rugs, it's just like sitting in the House of Lords."

These hand-made rugs are usually obtained from older women. "My grandma has been a rug-dealer for years," said another cosy-eyed student.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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