In the time honoured traditions of Charles Dickens and Dickensian Britain the Royal Mail is launching a scheme designed to make sending this year's greeting cards more affordable to those on lower incomes, in other words, the entire population!
Ebenezer Ruse, the Royal Mail's director of regulated business had this to say; "Since upping the price of our first and second class stamps to unaffordable levels we have noticed a 'lick for lick' drop in sales during the same period on last year. In order to re-address this situation and make as much profit as possible it was decided by senior management to substantially 'decrease' the cost of our stamps for those plebs who would otherwise make up the bulk of our customers.
Therefore, with immediate effect a first class stamp will drop from an exorbitant 60p to an immoderate 46p and second class from a blood-sucking 46p to intemperate 36p. However, I must stress there are qualifying factors involved for any would-be customers!
Firstly, they cannot have more than 36 stamps, anyone lucky enough to even have more than 36 friends will have to seriously reconsider just who is worthy enough to even warrant receiving a crappy 10 for a £1 Card Factory card!
Those on Facebook are, to put no finer point on it, screwed, as there is no fecking way they will be allowed to buy upward of 135,000 cut price stamps for their many 'friends'. In this instance we would respectfully suggest even more frenzied texting than normal on Christmas Morning.
Would-be customers will also have to front up with proof of being utterly poverty stricken by way of receiving any or all of the following; Pension credit, Employment and Allowance or incapacity benefit or death certificate! We strongly advise that you make copies of any paperwork handed over to our underpaid and regularly abused counter staff as original documentation will not be returned. The Royal Mail proudly supports the environment and all paperwork handed in will be recycled as toilet paper in the staff toilets. With better part of 11,500 Post Offices throughout the country this recycling process will save the Royal Mail millions in sanitary products.
Lastly, as the Royal Mail expects an unprecedented demand for these cut-price stamps only the actual reciprients of benefits will be served at the counter we cannot and will not accept proxy applications!
In order to accomodate, in particular, the anticipated increase in incapacity recipients, wheelchairs, baby-buggies, hospital gurneys, walking frames, the deranged and those on life support or crutches, not forgetting the walking dead W.H. Smith are widening their existing aisles throughout the festive season.
In closing, the Royal Mail management, including my good self, would like to extend our very best wishes to you and yours for a joyous, if not debt-ridden Christmas and recession filled New Year. God bless Tiny Tim!"
SKY TV News cougar Kay Burley loves stuffing things at Christmas, the more the merrier!