Written by CaptainSausage
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Topics: Dorking, Bee Gees, disco, CPR

Monday, 5 November 2012

image for Bee Gee CPR saves DJ
Mobile discos - class

There was a tremendous hullabaloo in Dorking today, when a Dorking man saved another Dorking man's life in the busy High Street, Dorking.

Ex-scoutmaster Jethro Crampon, 32, was walking down the road in his full scout uniform when he saw Dorking's leading mobile disco owner, Darren Jabberwocky, 57, collapse as he was crossing the road.

Mr Crampon, as a fully trained scoutmaster, knew that Mr Jabberwocky had probably had a heart attack and needed CPR urgently. He remembered that there was a perfect rhythm in which the heart should be pumped to resuscitate it.

"I knew it were a Bee Gees song," said Mr Crampon, "but I couldn't remember which one. First of all I tried pumping to the beat of How Deep Is Your Love? but that were too slow."

"I were going to try Jive Talking, but a passer-by told me I needed to use the rhythm of Staying Alive. CPR used to be so easy before the Bee Gees came along."

"I couldn't remember the tune of Staying Alive, but by now a small crowd had gathered. They all started singing in falsetto, 'Well you can tell by the way I use my walk, I'm a woman's man...'"

Before long a large group of people were having a singalong in Dorking High Street, blocking the traffic. Mr Crampon was in the middle of it, doing his best Saturday Night Fever dance moves - "point to the ground, point to the sky, that's how you remember it," he says.

After about twenty minutes of singing and dancing, Mr Crampon remembered the unconscious man on the ground he had intended to save. By now he knew the correct speed to pump Mr Jabberwocky's chest, and within a couple of minutes he had revived him.

Mr Jabberwocky was less than grateful for the experience. "I were on my way to Dorking abattoir car park, where I park my van every Saturday night. Ladies get in free, £2 for everyone else. I only stopped to have a quick nap in the street and I find this twonk squashing my chest and trying to steal my business by organising his own street party. I've never been so insulted."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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