Written by Nick Hobbs
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Friday, 2 November 2012

image for Holby City To Blame For New Disease
An ambulance, yesterday.

Scientists and hospital staff are baffled this evening as Hugo Mountbatten, 41 from Wigan, continues to talk in overly complex medical jargon after prolonged contact with the BBC medical drama series 'Holby City'.

The bar owner, from the Pemberton area of Wigan, enjoyed watching the weekly drama and often re-watched old episodes that he had recorded throughout the week. But several patrons of his bar began to notice a change in his language over the last three months, until today when he can not be understood at all.

Custer Ovary, a local man, told us 'Hugo is a down to earth sort. He calls a spade a spade and he doesn't suffer fools gladly! We used to play poker and have a right laugh, but just recently he's been coming out with all this fancy talk! Only yesterday he greets me and tells me I look tachycardic. Didn't know what to say...'

Other witnesses have variously been told they are showing signs of cerebrovascular trauma, adenomatous hyperplasia, and one man was even left with two bilateral probital hematoma's.

In another shocking case a female patron asked to see a wine list. After commenting to her partner that the wine was a little on the expensive side, Mountbatten told her that her 'cervix was parous and unremarkable' and that her 'uterus was most likely retroverted, 90-100 gm, mobile and nontender.'

She was then instructed to 'lie back' and he ordered '50 mg's of white vodka' from the bar.

Dr Siberius Shankworth, specialist medical advisor, said 'it is unclear at present if Hugo's condition is permanent. It's also unclear if he himself actually understands exactly what he's saying, or if it's more parrot style repetition. The aforementioned lady's cervix was most likely parous and unremarkable, but that's no bad thing. Was it coincidence or an accurate diagnosis? Without further tests we may never know!'

Only one other case exists in the world. Several years ago a 50 year old woman from Kansas, USA, began talking solely in script picked up from award winning serial E.R. Her symptoms continued for a year after the show ceased, and then cleared up over night.

The BBC have no plans to axe Holby City in the near future, so Mr Mountbatten's future is unclear.

Tests continue.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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