Written by Joe Leff
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Wednesday, 24 October 2012

Every student, at universities across the country, will be given a Christmas card under a scheme to make them feel more welcome on campus. In order to qualify, students will have to attend at least one lecture before terms ends in mid-December.

In recent years, university lecturers have noticed that many students are not turning up for lectures.

"Last week in my Monday morning 9 am lecture, there were only two people there - and one of them was the caretaker," said evolutionary biologist Dr Evan Bawring, who has 250 students enrolled for his recently up-dated course on 'Nasal hair-length in ambidextrous aboriginal tribes'.

Under the proposed scheme, students will have to turn up to receive their free Christmas card - "which will be signed by Father Christmas himself," said Professor Ivor Coldhand, Head of Arctic Studies at a Northern University.

Second-year Philosophy student David Ponderer thinks it might be a good idea, and is thinking of looking forward to getting his card.

"My parents are thinking of coming up to take photographs. I think they might be so proud of me with that card in my hand," he was thinking of saying, but hasn't made up his mind yet, as he feels there might be a bit of a moral dilemma here.

University dons insist that there will be no coercion. "It's up to the students whether they turn up for their free Christmas card. But with such a generous offer, we're expecting a massive turn-out. So we've arranged for hundreds of extra portaloos to be delivered to university campuses throughout Britain."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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