Owners of private prisons who fail to stop prisoners re-offending will be fined, under new plans to be announced by David Cameron. Heralding the slogan 'Tough But Chewy', the Prime Minister will signal a tougher approach to law and order by declaring "retribution is not a dirty word" (unlike 'pleb', 'shambolic' or 'economy').
There are fears that the top two institutions, Serco and G4S, will set admission fees beyond the reach of ordinary criminals due to the Prime Minister's new policy, with only toffs who can afford good lawyers (i.e. those best able to get their clients off, thus artificially reducing the re-offending rate), gaining places to 'Criminal Oxbridge'.
"You see old boy", explained an old Etonian twice convicted for expense-fraud and once for simply being an inept politician, "one has only re-offended if one has once more been convicted - innit?".
Antisocial mobility groups are incensed, given their view that all should have the right to aspire to Private Prisons.
Members of the Probation Service have expressed grave concerns that their clientele may be 'drastically reduced' given the only logical way for the prisons to be sure of hitting their targets is to 'shoot the buggers prior to release'.