A local man has threatened to respond to what he described as "the ultimate insult" by performing in a You Tube skit - impersonating his own brother. And making him look a right 'twat'.
Martin Shuttlecock, a dashingly handsome and pioneering satirist, (desperately needs verification) who currently resides in leafy Titchfield, revealed that he was inspired by the duplicitous and grasping nature of his younger brother, Paul. Whom Shuttlecock strongly suspects is secretly an alien from another planet.
Further investigations revealed that Shuttlecock's father's funeral service earlier this week was attended by a grand total of four people, not a single one of whom were blood relatives.
"There were only four of us there," Shuttlecock explained. "We were outnumbered by the pall bearers, the funeral director, and the proddy vicar. I mean, it isn't like I didn't tell anybody, and give them plenty of notice. But as the CD at the crematorium blasted out the theme from 633 Squadron, it became obvious that there was only us."
Shuttlecock revealed that the four of "us" in question was a direct reference to himself, long suffering wife Anne, step-daughter Laura, and her daughter, Inez.
"I was adopted as a nipper," Shuttlecock said. "As my brother has never tired of telling the world, or anyone else who can tolerate his intensely irritating voice ever since he was born. He's played on that for years. Sometimes in a criminal way. As in refusing to accede to my mother's will. And lying to the authorities. He didn't even show up at my dad's funeral - because it may have cost him a few bob. But he was my old man's only 'blood relative'."
Paul Shuttlecock, and Shuttlecock Senior's (Deceased) stepdaughter, a pug dog breeder from Peterborough failed to materialise at the funeral service, despite having sent dodgy wills to solicitors, and leaving no stone unturned in the hunt for easy cash.
"I'll tell about the funeral in a separate article," Shuttlecock said. "Suffice to say, that after we left the crematorium, we went to the pub. It wasn't until we returned home afterwards for the traditional piss-up, and I made an urgent phone call that I discovered that my dad's memory was being soiled by so called 'next of kins' and 'Peterborough pug dog breeders' who couldn't be arsed to attend the service, yet took the time to lodge legal (Citation Needed) papers in support of a claim on my dad's legacy.
"My dad wasn't a rich man. Truth is he was a grumpy bastard most of the time - until the dementia took hold. But he was my dad, adopted or not. And I was there. All the time. Whatever the weather."
Which raised the question: Why the You Tube skit?
Shuttlecock smiled, as he raised a glass of Belgian wifebeater lager and sparked another roll-up.. "Because my 'brother' is a self serving prick, who's got away with murder for long enough. By his failure to show respect in any way, to anybody, other than his pitiful, devious self, he's consigned himself to the hell of internet notoriety. I can do a reasonably good impression of him, and we're working on a script, and then we'll show all his 'friends' what he's really all about on a You Tube upload. After that, I'll take legal action against him, for theft, fraud, making false representations, obtaining money by deception, and generally being an utter cunt. Then hopefully he'll spend a couple of years in Strangeways being fucked up the arse on a regular basis by a seven foot psychopath from Ordsall. Now that would be poetic justice."
"He's tired and emotional," long suffering wife, Anne said. "But I think he's determined to go through with this. He's already asked me if I'll play the 'interviewer' role. I'm well up for that. His 'brother' is a sleazy little creep. For once, I'm on Martin's side - even though he is a right dickhead - his brother is a tit and a half. And he deserves to be exposed for what he is. Stupid accent included. My Martin had us in fits doing impressions of that prick of a brother of his down the pub after the funeral."
More as it unravels.