Written by Igor
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Topics: Liverpool, Theft

Friday, 21 November 2003

A Liverpool company has suffered from a significant theft, costing thousands in revenue. Randox Plc has reported that this recent theft is the worst of it's kind. In the recent spate,
22 cars including the car park itself was stolen from outside the building. Attached to the car park were 10 lampposts and some bushes. Included in the theft were 8 disabled spaces and 2 speed bumps.

This comes after several recent thefts, including a shrubbery, a fire alarm, two coffee machines and 7 tow bars. The staff have begun to blame the local "Scallies" who can regularly be seen around the building clad in luminous tracksuits.

A spokesman for the company confirmed that they are keeping a close eye on the loiterers. "We initially hired a security guard with German shepherd, but after three nights on the job, he too was stolen. We just don't know what to do…. How are we supposed to run a Contents Insurance company with this ridiculous situation going on?"

Since the thieving began in June, Randox have reported losing 4 CCTV cameras, a set of blinds, 3 employees, half a computer, a fire exit, a shredder, 9 paper punchers, 2 sets of 10 folder dividers, a packet of polo mints, 6 polystyrene cups and 4 company directors.

Police are reported to be following up claims that the Scallies now have a new car-park full of cars. A spokesman for the police explained that the parking bays were wider than Randox's and the lines had been painted in different colours, due to this, nothing could be proven.

Kleptologist Rab Forester from Liverpool University explained this irrational behaviour:
"It seems that the Scallies are suffering from swipe-etism, the sudden, uncontrollable urge to steal objects with little or no value."

This most recent theft has raised worries that the Scallies may have set their sights on bigger fish: "We believe that they may be in the process of trying to steal magnetic north."

Should this be the case, the world would be plunged into chaos. From Fife College, Professor Richard Roundtree of the Quantum Science department added: "Without North, we're lost."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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