Written by Jimbo Gunn
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Tuesday, 16 October 2012

image for Westminster in panic as Home Secretary revealed to be HUMAN
Wasn't she the last one, or the one before that? Or is this the current one? Ed.

Westminster entered its deepest hour of crisis today as the Home Secretary revealed herself to be HUMAN.

Her mask slipped at around half-past eleven this morning when she overruled the advice of her securocrats to free Gary McKinnon, a Scottish man wanted in the US on charges of interfering with a computer.

The Twittersphere was in meltdown. "It's never happened before," said one 49-year-old grown up man, taking a break from posting 'humorous' pictures of his fluffy white cat Savile making amorous advances towards his hamster Freddy.

"The Home Secretary is the one who makes totally insane decisions. She's the one we all hate, universally; whether we're on the left, the right or hanging like a limp banana in no-man's land."

There was a sombre mood in opposition quarters as one unnamed Miliband said it was a "travesty".

"It's not about us or them, it's about one nation," before realising he was allowed to use notes this time.

After fishing a rag-eared piece of paper from his pocket he continued, "Opposition will be impossible from now on. If we can't bash the Home Secretary for being a monster what hope is there left for anyone in politics? It's political correctness gone mad.."

The policy shift is stark and comes just days after the Home Secretary and former MONSTER sent two British citizens to a far away land for daring to post on Facebook that the Home Secretary was indeed a monster.

A spokesperson for the government said the potential poster child for Scottish independence was spared a chance to wear an orange jump suit because the Home Secretary was indeed a human, a mother and a thoroughly decent human being and that the decision not to extradite McKinnon has nothing to do with the upcoming Scottish independence referendum.

"It is absurd to speculate that a Scottish citizen extradited to the United States by an English-centric government based in London would have any bearing on the question of whether Scotland should be an independent country. An independent Scotland would still have to kiss Washington's ass."

The last Home Secretary revealed to be human was Sir Asterix Montgomery who, in 1804, granted a pardon for little Richard O'Connor. Little Richard, on the brink of starvation, was convicted of stealing a sip of milk from a large churn owned by the infamous Warner sisters even though the churn was due to be discarded after no-one bought it at market that morning.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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